Conflict is not a bad thing.
Partners have spent countless hours trying to “work out problems.” Yet over and over again they often come up against a major roadblock: They just don’t see things the same way, and it can be tough to find out what guys want. No matter how long they talk and how hard they try, neither one ends up feeling that they have been heard and understood.
While some couples seem to just naturally see things the same way, most people have a really hard time seeing things through the another person’s eyes. What often happens when they try to “communicate” is that each person works to get the other person to see things his or her way. Instead of solving the problem, each is trying to have control over how the other person sees things.
This often leads to more conflict and frustration.
Now, I am not suggesting that couples should stop communicating over problems and issues, I am offering an additional way of resolving conflict:
Taking loving action in your own behalf. This form of conflict resolution is about action rather than talk. Following are some of the actions you can take that can make a world of difference in your relationship:
Loving Actions To Resolve Conflict
1. Choose to be compassionate toward yourself and your partner rather than choosing to judge yourself or your partner.
Judging yourself and your partner will always lead to more conflict. Choosing to compassionately care about yourself and your partner can totally change the energy between you, even without words. If you believe and feel that you or your partner’s point of view or feelings are bad or wrong, then your feelings, behavior, or point of view, will not let you be able to let go of these judgments. You will move toward compassion when you understand and accept that each of you has very good reasons for your feelings, behavior, and point of view. Try compassionately accepting yourself and your partner and see what happens!
2. Choose to practice self-discipline in terms of saying nothing rather than behaving in an inflammatory way toward your partner.
Practice zipping your mouth! Practice letting go of having to be right! Practice walking away from a conflicted or heated situation, rather than jumping into the fray in the hopes of winning. If you look back, you will see that no one wins when both people are trying to control with anger, blame, explanations, debating, defending, lectures, or compliance. However, if you choose to walk away, walk away with love and compassion – intent on taking loving care of yourself rather than punishing your partner. Walking away in anger is just another way to control.
3. Choose to accept that you have no control over your partner’s feelings and behavior, but that you have total control over your own actions.
It is much easier to let go of trying to control your partner when you move into acceptance of who your partner is. Trying to change your partner is a total waste of energy. Changing yourself moves you into personal power.
4. Choose to take loving care of yourself in the face of the other person’s choices.
You will find yourself wanting to talk about problems when you see yourself as a victim of your partner’s choices. However, when you accept your partner for who he or she is and accept your lack of control over your partner, you can then see your way clear toward taking loving action on your own behalf. Asking the question: “What loving action should I take toward myself right now?” will lead to ideas of how to take loving care of yourself. Asking: “If I were an enlightened being, how would I be acting right now?” will open the door to creative ways of taking loving care of yourself and resolving conflict.
Loving actions are actions that support your own highest good without harming your partner. For example, if you are tired of often being frustrated and rushed because your partner is generally late leaving for an event, you might decide to take your own car each time your partner is not ready on time. While your partner might not like your choice, your action is not harmful to him or her. It is an action that stops the power struggle and takes care of yourself.
Letting go of trying to change your partner and taking loving action for yourself are the keys to conflict resolution without words.
